Doubts

Do you ever have those days when you think ‘what the hell am I doing? What on earth made me think that I could be an author (or whatever)?’ Is it just part of that whole temperamental artist thing? Despair one day and ecstasy the next?

It doesn’t stem from feedback I receive about my writing. People seem to like my writing and my story. I don’t take their feedback personally. I like getting it. A lot. It helps me realize that I’m not at weird as I thought I was. That other people think like I do.

It comes from inside me. That little voice that says ‘you suck. No one will ever want to read your writing’. And I know that little voice is lying. Because it’s not true. But the despair stays in my heart anyways.

So what do you do when your head is telling you one thing and your heart is telling you another? My writing comes from inside me. If I’m not ‘feeling’ it I can’t write it. But then there’s this part of me that has to write. Like, this unsettled urge to get some sort of outlet of what’s in my head and heart.

I just kinda fell into the whole writing thing. I began writing my stories just for me. To get them on paper (or, computer as the case may be).  I wanted to share my writings, but was too chicken to put it out there. Then I mentioned something about how bad my bad guy is and I had a bunch of people interested in it. It was so cool. It still is. I love hearing back from people. Hell, I’d almost just publish my story for free if people promised to just tell me what they thought of it.

I hate feeling this way…

I write other things and then always come back to Anna. It’s such a tightly woven tapestry of story that it difficult to remove stuff, though I am finding extra stuff that doesn’t, I guess, need to be there. But I pull out, for example a piece of jewelry from Part 1. In part 3, that piece of jewelry play a part in something that happens to her. So, how do I fix it? How to I make sure that relationships are in place for things that are huge plot points later in the story? How do I pull one string out, or even shorten a string, without the whole story coming crashing down over my head?

Focus? I’ve been told that I need to figure out what the story is really supposed to be about. I guess that’s true, but…how? How to I disassemble Anna’s life to focus on one part? What is the focus of her life story? Maybe that’s the question I need to ‘focus’ on.

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