I Am Beautiful (and soft and luschious)

This video got me thinking: http://www.hefty.co/love-your-body/

Those three words are incredibly hard to say about myself. My husband calls me beautiful. My friends call me beautiful. But me? I call myself ugly. Fat. Blech.

Why? Why do I hate my body? Because I’ve been taught to hate it. Because we, as American girls-grown-into-women have been taught that we need to be a size 0 to be beautiful and happy. Or if not a size 0, then we need to diet and be a healthy size 6 or 8.

Then there are the “plus size models.” Now, I appreciate this new found love of bigger girls, but even still, they’re what? Size 12? maybe 14? They still have thin legs! (I hold a lot of my weight in my legs, so that’s one of my sensitive areas. I am genetically predisposed to cankles!) The plus size stores start at size 12, which is great! Don’t get me wrong. But I’m not size 12.

Right now, I’m a size 22. I weigh about 270 pounds. Not too long ago, I was closer to a 14/16/ and weight closer to 200. I’ve gained about 70 pounds since last October. Before that, I’d lost a lot of weight, but not for a good reason. And mentally? I was messed up. I suffer from depression and my meds were messed up for most of 2014. Even ended up in a mental hospital …er, excuse me, a “Behavioral Health Facility” after a bad reaction to a new med made me suicidal. Don’t you just love the PC versions of words?

Why did I gain that weight? Mostly because I was concentrating on getting mentally healthy. That and I love dessert and Pepsi. But the last few months, I’ve been really focusing on becoming mentally stable. And you know what? My chocolate, my ice cream and yes my Pepsi help with those bad days. No, their not “healthy” for me, and yes I should cut down on my consumption. But right now, being a mentally-stable factor in the lives of my two little boys is more important to me than getting into the new clothes I bought last fall. And you know what? My home life is better than it’s ever been. When I was concentrating on losing weight, I had very little to do with my boys. It took me going into the hospital for a week to recognize how important my boys and husband are to me.

Now, I am homeschooling my oldest and will be doing the same for my 6 year old next year. I LOVE teaching my boys. I never in a million years thought I’d ever be able to homeschool. But I can. Because I’m stable. Because I’m healthy MENTALLY. I’m not a nurturing person by nature and I’m not a people-oriented person either, so this is a way I can connect with my boys and I am so in love with them right now, I could never imagine leaving them. I miss them when they’re gone or when I’m gone. A year ago, I wouldn’t have said that. I could have left them at the drop of a hat. Very sad, but true.

I explain all this because all this has happened as I’ve been steadily gaining weight. But my relationships, my family, my homelife…I don’t know if it could have happened any other way.

Something happened to my mindset when I hit the size 2x mark. I was no longer in that “I just need to loose a few pounds and I’ll be socially acceptable” zone. I was now officially plus sized in my brain. I didn’t have to worry about my rolls, my big ass and thighs. I’d felt as if I’d crossed the judgement line. I don’t know if that makes any sense…It’s like, when you’re a size 16 or 14, you’re “close” to the thin-girl thing. You may have some extra weight, but a few months of dieting and you, too, can be like the women in the magazines. You don’t have to shop in the plus size area. You’re close to “normal” But now…now, I’m solidly in the “WOMAN” zone…And for some reason, I’m happy here. (For one thing, I have GREAT cleavage!!)

Looking back, I can see this change happening gradually over the last couple of years. I think one big thing that has changed my views is that I don’t watch that much TV and what I do watch, is often times BBC shows. Now, no offense to my UK friends (I love you all!) but your actors are not like American actors. The first time I watched Doctor Who, I thought to myself “Man, Rose Tyler is FAT!” I am ashamed to admit it, but it really did cross my mind. I mean, look at her thighs! No one on American TV has thighs that big…

doctor-who-first-season.14532

And she’s got big teeth. And Christopher Eccleston’s ears stick out way too much to be a handsome leading man in American TV… (But he has beautiful eyes!!!)

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The 10th Doctor (David Tennant) had companion Donna Noble, played by actress Catherine Tate…Do you think she would make it in an American TV show? Maybe as a thin teenager’s mother…

** Image embargoed for publication until Tuesday 1st April 2008 ** ©BBC  Picture shows: CATHERINE TATE as Donna Noble. Generic. TX: BBC ONE Saturday 5th April 2008  WARNING:  Use of this copyright image is subject to the terms of use of BBC Picturesí BBC Digital Picture Service.  In particular, this image may only be published in print for editorial use during the publicity period (the weeks immediately leading up to and including the transmission week of the relevant programme or event and three review weeks following) for the purpose of publicising the programme, person or service pictured and provided the BBC and the copyright holder in the caption are credited.  Any use of this image on the internet and other online communication services will require a separate prior agreement with BBC Pictures.  For any other purpose whatsoever, including advertising and commercial prior written approval from the copyright holder will be required.

Whereas even shows like “Survivor” and other “reality” AMERICAN TV shows, all the women are thin and beautiful.

survivor

I’m not even going to delve into TV commercials, magazines and billboards. I think you get the point. And you’ve probably heard it all before. But we have been brainwashed by the American media into thinking we need to look a certain way to be beautiful. I realized this after I slapped myself for my rude internal comment about Billie Piper.

My point is this…you don’t have to be beautiful to be in a BBC TV show, so it’s no wonder this advertisement was banned in the UK.

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Apparently it was met with protests and graffiti.

Of course, this is an American company’s response to that. Our first “plus size supermodel”, Ashley Graham…

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(She’s a size 16, BTW. I’d love to be a size 16 again…with those legs!)

I think I’ve started rambling and gone political. I apologize. My overall point is this…We (especially us American women) need to stop listening to “those people” who tell us we need to be thin (or even size 16) to be happy and beautiful. I have scars. I have stretch marks. I have a weird farmer’s tan because I live in the desert. Does this make me less beautiful than Ashley? or Catherine Tate? or whoever is the latest hot celebrity?

No. I am beautiful because I am a human being. Because I am a woman. Every woman is beautiful. EVERY woman…Every. Single. Woman. Is. Beautiful. We all look different. (Who would want to live in a world of clones?) We act different. We think different. We are unique. Some of us are size 0. Some are size 32. Does the size of our jeans really have the power to make us more or less worthy of respect and honor? Does the size of our arms or legs really make us more or less of a person? No more so than the color of our skin (but that’s another issue).

So, from now on, I am going to commit to being comfortable with who I am, no matter my size. I can be sexy at size 8 (which I was in high school) or size 22. I’m going to New York next week and I am going to enjoy myself and not be ashamed of my body. When I go to Vegas in July, I will wear a bathing suit and not be ashamed of my thighs.

I AM BEAUTIFUL!

I AM BEAUTIFUL!

I AM BEAUTIFUL!

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8 thoughts on “I Am Beautiful (and soft and luschious)

  1. Awesome!! I applaud you for coming to this realization. It’s about being healthy overall: mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, etc. Focusing on one area makes you forget about the others. Find and live your happy!

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  2. You ARE beautiful. Beauty isn’t an OUTSIDE thing… it’s an INSIDE thing. Many of those so-called “beautiful people” are UGLY on the inside or they are “stuck” on what OTHER PEOPLE think.

    WHat someone else thinks – other than your husband or your kids… MAYBE your doctor so long as he/she isn’t an a$$… is immaterial until they decide to get in your face about your weight. And if they DO decide to get in your face about your weight that puts their NOSE in JUST the right spot to present them with a broken nose and the words “mind your own business”.

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  3. It’s so hard to be a woman. We have constant pressure of to buy this to look like this and then we look at each other and think…I want her legs, her ass, she’s too thin, she’s too fat…It takes a lot of mental strength to stop the chatter and think..I am enough. I am enough! Personally, as long as I work out these days and keep my body strong, size doesn’t matter. It’s how I FEEL that matters. When I am not happy, it shows on my body, my personality and my behavior. Thank you for sharing your journey on the way to being happy and beautiful! 🙂

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  4. You are beautiful! You ARE beautiful! I hope you understand that!! But to me it’s never been looks or weight that makes a person beautiful! It’s heart, generosity, love, compassion! We post pictures of great looking actors or models on fb all the time but if they are lacking the above qualities then they are not appealing to me! You are not your weight! You are not your looks! You ARE beautiful! And I have talked to you many times!! Trust me when I say YOU ARE GORGEOUS! Size 2 or size 22 (which is my size as well) I’m so happy that you are in a better place now!! Because I expect you to be around for a very long time so we can finally have that drink together! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!

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  5. You go,girl!
    As long as you love yourself,it will show and that in turn will make you feel even better!
    And the only opinion from other people that matters,is the opinion from the ones that matter the most to you,the ones that really love you.
    Nothing else matters,least of all the ideal girl painted by the modelling/acting business.
    How those girls survive,i have no idea…really,all they are is skin and bones.
    And the saddest part is that so many think that’s normal,that you should be that thin…insane!
    Nothing like you,you have natural beauty,inside AND out!
    YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

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